When you're sliding into first, and you feel a sudden burst - diarrhea!

Parenthood, starring Steve Martin

Your mother always told you that they were basic bodily functions.  Things we simply must do.  We walk our dogs so they can take care of business before the staring eyes of the world.  We scoop litter boxes for cats, change hamster and bird cages.  And while these tasks may not be enjoyable, we do not chastise our dog for doing its nasty business in public.  We do not scold our birds for crapping while a friend is over

So why do we all dread using public bathrooms?  I know I am rather averse to it and most people are.  Urinating is nothing to us.  We simply unzip and let 'er rip.  Yet when it comes to defecation, taking a dump, the number 2, whatever you call it:  we all pray to be in the comfort of our own homes when nature calls from the rear.  Why is this so?  Do we not all need to dispose of physical waste? 

We are all ashamed of our bodies, and what they do.  And it does not end with the bathroom.  Masturbation has always been rather taboo.  While in recent times, people are more open to the concept, in the end you rarely hear a guy in junior high admit that he pleasures himself.  And a girl?  That would be declaring yourself a slut.  But then, we are told that our sexual drives are normal.  Normal bodily function.  It's normal to be aroused.  It's normal to want stimulation.  But we are so ashamed of it until we hit university age, where most people give up the act upon hearing one daring soul confess to masturbation.  A gate has been opened:  we rush out to be free from our oppression.  I own a vibrator, we exclaim.  I whack off to porn I hack off pay-per-view!  And so it goes. 

Why do we feel shame about our bodies?  Why do we look down at what they do?  Are these feelings and needs not normal?  Normal suggests the word norm, indicating the average.  Or is normal what we define as average and acceptable to the ear and mind?

I'm not sure.  But until I do know, I will still proudly admit I masturbate.  And I will still cower at the thought of using public bathrooms after dinner at Taco Bell.

I, uh, have to GO?.