"You Don't Know What It's Like"

The lack of understanding and true empathy among the mental health practicioners of this world, particularly psychiatrists, makes me rather ill at the thought that they will soon be my colleagues.  For years, I have heard stories of psychiatrists who treated self-injurers as psychotic suicide risks, doctors who have dismissed a suicidal person as "not needing to take up my time as others have far more pressing issues", and even a doctor I encountered dismissed my escalating SI as "nothing too big" because my grades had not dropped.  Recently, a friend of mine was told she was "not trying" to recover from an eating disorder.

The ice is thin, come on dive in

For your information folks, "not trying" means telling doctors when you know you are at relapse risk and asking for support, asking for help, for the most part following a meal plan that is an anorexic's nightmare (3 meals plus snacks daily) and journalling her feelings madly upon paper.  This, this is someone who is not trying.  Because she recognized her emotional limits and knew she needed help.  And instead of jumping at the chance to escape doctor's care and jump back into anorexic behaviours, she asked for more support to prevent relapse.

Underneath my lucid skin, the cold is lost, forgotten

And as a future therapist, I was horrified.  The primary responsibility of any therapist is to listen to the client, to encourage them to speak of their needs, to applaud them for insights into their own emotions and cycles of damaging behaviour.  A disorder characterized by denial of the problem, irrationality and refusal to discuss emotions is difficult to handle.  Eating, asking for help, talking about feelings -- these are amazing achievements in recovery and in the person's insight.  This should be encouraged, not insulted and berated.

Hours pass days pass time stands still

Light gets dark and darkness fills my secret heart forbidden...

This reminds me of the part in the movie Girl, Interrupted, where Susanna is told she is hurting everyone around her.  First of all, depression is often characterized by feelings of worthlessness, of not being good enough for anyone - way to add to their fears asshole.  Second, what about her hurt?  Why isn't anyone concerned with it, but rather, what others think and feel?  It is precisely because she is holding everything in for the sake of others that she has attempted to end her life.  And the sad truth is,. this sort of nonsense is all too common.  It scares me.

The only comfort is the moving of the river

You enter into me a lie upon your lips

Offer what you can - I'll take all that I can get (Sarah McLachlan)

Where is the empathy?  The understanding?  Has it been lost to the world of insurance, quick fixes and HMO's?  And, when I am finally licenced and ready to help the world, will there be anyone left to save?  Or will they all be swallowed by their pain, drowning in their scars......  believing hope to be bankrupt.

So you talk the talk when you need to - I fear the whole world is starting to believe you.