I THINK I'M PARANOID
"Sitting on the bed or I'm lying wide awake
There's demons in my head and it's more than I can take
Think I'm on a roll but I think it's kinda weak
Saying all I know is I
Gotta get away from me"
Gotta Get Away - Offspring
They're looking at you. Why? Why are they looking at me? What did I do? I must have something on my face. Wipe your face. Don't be so fucking obvious. Act casual damn it. They might be laughing at your weight. You stupid fat girl. Never exercise enough. Remember that tonight to make up for your laziness you are doing an hour of Tae-Bo and 200 stomach crunches. So tired of them staring and laughing.
Your friends hate you. Notice they never talk to you anymore? The only ones that do insult you and tell you how shitty you are to people. Look. Right there. See that email survey proves it. You are no longer their best friend. You were left off the list. See? This is what you do. You drive them all away. Even now while you're harassing them on IM, all they can think of is getting away. Escaping. Shut up! Stop asking them if they still like you. You know they'll lie and say they do. They pity you, you know.
Does my hair look okay? Of course not. It never does. Where's the hairspray gone to? Shit. Not much left. What if you still look ugly when it runs out? What will you do then, ugly girl? Hmmm? Well fine, pretend you don't hear me. Pretend you don't see that strand of hair that refuses to stay smoothed. Pretend you don't see that enormous bump that makes your hair look sloppy. You must always smooth it. You must always maintain the guise of perfection and control, even when you have none. Don't question me! I'm your inner self. I'm the only one who will tell you the truth. You look like shit. Cancel your plans to go out. Because there is no way I am letting you leave this house looking this bad. All the eyeliner and glitter in the world can't save you now.
They only stop you from killing yourself so they can kill themselves first and leave YOU. They don't want the burden of having to pretend to grieve. Friends? They're not that close to you. They tell you so, remember?
You're a horrible girlfriend apparently now. Can't you fucking do anything right? You should become a whore. It's all you're good for. Your girlfriend can go hook up with one of her lesbian friends because they are probably perfect just like she is, so she'll finally be satisfied.
NO, Alli doesn't want to listen to you complain that you're fat. Because she gets tired of pretending she believes you're not fat when you are indeed a cow.
NO, Tracie doesn't give a shit. Leave her alone. Get your fucking hand off the send IM button.
Sara still hates you and thinks you treat her like a child. Just like Sacha. Sacha is the most fed-up of all.
Kris hates you. That's why she stopped talking to you. It's not her, it's YOU.
Jen would dump you if she had the self-esteem and self-respect to see how pitiful you are.
Your supervisor is fed up of all your delays and petitions. She regrets ever agreeing to supervise your goddamn thesis, which you will never finish anyways.
Your mother is right. You are a failure.
Why are you crying? Why the fuck are you feeling sorry for yourself? This is all your fault, you know.
Your writing sucks. Why are you making this zine?
Why are you still breathing?
I told you so.